Aug 2, 2017, VikTory

CHANGE: When you suddenly fit into size 00 again (A second chance of life)

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Change

We all have heard this word so many times before. It comes so naturally if we want it or not. If you witness the growing up of a baby, you realize they change daily. Not just their body and appearance does change but their knowledge, their mood- they change. And we are all grateful and it is expected.
But change doesn’t stop there, just think about kindergarden and then school and then puberty, first love, new job, new styles, new idols, new preferences. Life consists of a constant change itself: people die, new people are born daily- hundreds, thousand millions- the weather, even the arrangement of the continents. Some things change quicker then others but it obvious that the world we live in and we CHANGE.

Yet it is so hard for so many, for some more so than for others- but nearly everyone I know- to change. People want something but are stuck in their habits, their rituals their daily routine and that we keep going with it, sometimes for a long time – even though it doesn’t make us happy (anymore). Sometimes we do things because we have observed the early on from childhood days and just “take over” the habit, without questioning ourselves if it actuality benefits us or if we want to do that truly. for example: a lot of “kids” whose parents smoke do smoke as well, because they follow in the food steps of their parents. Unconditionally or not. Of course some do exactly the opposite because they actually do question it or hated the habit, but too many simply don’t. It could be the father who drank beer, the way your mother did her hair….. their routine, their way to celebrate Christma just to name a few. (think about it!)

Some routines are great, are even called traditions, are a way to remember, to celebrate and are beautiful and maybe even necessary. But others aren’t. Especially the ones that don’t benefit us, actually restrict us or do make us unhappy. But because “we did it that way for so long”, we do not want to change.

by eye of xtine
model/dancer VikTory
dallas earlier this year

I have to admit while in some ways I get bored quickly and I love new challenges – and therefore changes, in other ways I hate change. In think, due to the fact that I actually do have such a fast pace life and things are changing constantly, much faster than for many others: Traveling full time means your living situation changes nearly daily (hello hotel life), things you had planned such as flights, hotels, rental car arrangements, work you have booked…they change constantly asking you and even demanding you to change and adapt.
A flight that got cancelled: it was too late to get booked on to another flight that day, so you try to book a hotel closeby (due to the fact that the delay was dye to the weather the airline would come up for it)… but they were all booked out due to high amount of cancellations. I also couldn’t book with another airline- all flights for that day had already departed to the destination I had to go (btw it was an overlay from an other flight). There is nothing that I could have done to change or improve the situation, so the only thing that helped at this point: TO ACCEPT THE CHANGE of plans – go with the flow and be ok with spending the night at the airport. If we fight the change, we will be miserable but if we realize we tried to improve the situation in anyway possible, yet it is simply not possible, therefore we accept the facts and get to piece with it, trying to even see the good in the situation: the change of plans is so much easier to accept, leaving us calmer and in piece rather then stressed and frustrated.

Change- a constant fact, yet so hard to accept at times. Why? In my opinion because we realize we don’t have control over it. Things change, if we want or not. By holding on to it or the situation it gives us the illusion that we control the situation. It actually is possible to force it, to control it to NOT change- at least not that way nature has intended it, but it always costs a ton of energy leaving to other kind of changes and directions, just not the one intended and therefore the ones needed.

“Controlling things” by following routines, doing some things the same way again and again,doing “everything right”, controlling the body not to change from childhood into adult hood, controlling the way we eat, controlling the way we look, the shape of the body not to change- it gave me piece and a feeling of control in my fast paste life. I had so many things out of my control due to the job of a dancer, well it even started with the life in a boarding school at the age of 14 (that I initiated!) By trying force-fully not change all these other things, that come more naturally for most people, I had the feeling of control in some parts of my life, simulating a kind of piece I was looking for subconsciously in other parts of my life. I could force my body not to change, by staying a child when it came to the look of my body and even the function of my body. I also do think that I did it to “save” myself. if people and especially men see a child in me, it gave me to feeling of protection, to be out of danger (read more about it on my blog post from JULY 27th CLICK HERE for details
But it came with a price- forcing the body to change in other ways than are natural….Eating the way I did yet trying to change but it gave me piece. It was not healthy and I knew sooner or later there won’t be a happy end but for right now it gave me the piece I was graving, to control what I ate or not ate to a tee making it “easier” to accept all the changes around me.

I chose that life, I grave that change – hell I even want and need it, yet in other ways I was so scared.

The same is true for the body, its shape & its functions.
We all want (in general) to get old, live a long life, but so often I heard in my life- don’t get old! I understand it is a bit of a different situation because people are experiencing pain and it is a saying, but why are people in general scared of getting older?… the big 5 in front of the age and things like this : It is the unknown the unpredictable, the “unstable” situation.
Making the decision of having a child is for many women- especially now a days that they have a great life and purpose with out them as well, not being expected to have kids that much anymore, scary and causing emotionally troubles an inner conflict and the constant question of: is it right or is it wrong, let’s just stay as we are, life is ok as it is….

My biggest issue is to accept and trust the change of my body. I know well i actually knew my body to a tee. without steeping on the scale for a week I could tell you the exact amount of weight up to a decimal point of how much I was weighting. By eating the same, or not eating, I knew exactly how my body would react (and even then some days are different) I knew how I looked in every angle of my poses, lights etc (which is actually very helpful for my job and was always supported by my dance education) But by letting go and trusting your bod,y your work is to constantly rediscover yourself. Accepting yourself and to welcome the changes and the new opportunities they bring with them.

no edit
Phptp by Jegg weadock
mode.dancer VikTory
style #hausofxtine
shoot early 2017 in Dallas

I now fit into a size 00 again.
It is the first time in a few years that I do. I know it sounds stupid. Size 00 and you are scared? I understand that size 00 can not be big or fat in any way possible but for me it means change to what it has been before. And that’s the hard part for me. I now work on trusting my body and I am honestly immensely surprised how quick my body changed and adjusted in the most positive way possible. I never would have thought that I would learn to digest food in 3 days after starting my recovery, that the heart burns stop completely after 1 week, that the bloating and severe stomach pain got better daily being acceptable after 10 days. My body WANTS to change- it wants to create the best version of ITSELF, but I have to let it be, let my body DO and trust in it.
I am incredibly grateful for my life and my body. If I think logically I shouldn’t be here anymore. If you look at my life from a medical term (not now anymore, since I actually AM CHANGING NOW πŸ™‚ but the years before, the 16 years of ED. Especially the last 8. I don’t know how my body survived with the lack of everything: the lack of love, compassion and hugs (not from afar but from up close) the lack of food, the lack of sleep yet living to the fullest: traveling and working non stop…. Medically it shouldn’t have been able to survive like this. When I told doctors about the way I lived they looked at me like an alien, a creature impossible to survive. I am not saying I survived AND had a happy healthy peaceful life (in the past) but I DID survive against all odds and facts.

Now giving my body a true chance to change, it jumped onto the wagon immediately, trying its best to change and especially improve to the better: reproducing stomach acid, heat/cold regulation, joy of living, desire to work out in a healthy way, the desire to meet and socialize, the desire to put on healthy weights and muscles.
Sometimes the body is just smarter as we think and as the conscious mind, adjusting much quicker than our head and psyche.

Taking care of yourself when you are tired is not laziness, it’s self care!

Luckily I am pleased with great proportion. Yes I admit, I would love to be taller, have longer legs jade jade jade….like nearly every woman I know there is something that we think could be better and we would like to change (daaa!). But I know I should be thankful for my proportion.
The first thing that got bigger when I started to recover and therefore also put on weights (excuse for the bold honesty- stop reading if you are not interested : I have warned you πŸ™‚

by eye of xtine
model/dancer VikTory
dallas earlier this year

Well the first things that started to get bigger when I put on weights, was my breast, and my butt. YES I know I should be grateful and I will be eventually but it is a CHANGE that happened, and it happens quiet quickly (thankfully i guess) But my mind has yet to adjust to the facts and situation. By being proportional, everything else, every part of the body is following now, a bit more of my arms, a bit more of my legs, a bit more of my stomach and on my rips, just a bit more everywhere…..A fact I should be grateful for! And I am, and I will be even more in the future, but for now it is just change: Change that I, to some extend, do control by learning to love myself, taking care of me, deciding what I eat, eating more yet healthy, but at the end we can not control what the body does with it. How quickly it adjusts, if he is capable to build muscles right away… Therefore I believe in meditation, in the law of attraction, in destiny to some extend and things like that! By supporting the mind with all these little things it helps me to accept change! To stop judging and just acknowledging the facts.

Instead of freaking out because my butt fits now again in a size 00 hot pans=ts and my legs get stronger and a tiny bit bigger, I just acknowledge it, without judgement and try to ACCEPT the change and again being grateful for it, and even excited what life has in store for the new me rather than fearing it and try to manipulate it!

ps Don’t get me wrong I still believe in working on myself, improving oneself, but the approach to it is different. Feel your flow, feel your true intention and purpose and go along with it instead of forcing your body into an unhealthy habit and harming yourself in order to pretend a sense of control and piece that is simply not true and harmful.

So cheers to my size 00 botty!! and LET’S EMBRACE CHANGE!!! Because by letting go and risking the unknown it provides a chance to get something even better than we could ever predicted!!
The chance of improvement, the chance of an authentic life!!

Xoxo Vik