For so many year the only motivator to even get up in the morning was my job.
ph: Flickering ability
Luckily I have a job that I loved, and still do! A job that I don’t even consider as work. and therefore it was ONE reason to get up for. It made me feel “free”, at least for a short period of time. But it was ONE thing!! And on very bad days even that was barely a reason to get out of bed, when the always haunting question of “Why?” is accruing again!
The reason wasn’t me being lazy. I was simply depressed. Nothing made sense. Or at least not enough sense to even try. Many who know me from work may have never seen it, bc I learned to “turn on” for work in order to still live, but during my spare time I felt so empty, exhausted- especially mentally and my mind was screaming why? Why even bother? Why even going to the gym? Why even meeting friends?….And then the mind game started, enforced by the voices: Nobody will like you either way! You will fail. It just costs you money. People will look at you strangely….
And since I was caught in such dark thoughts and in that downward spiral my thoughts became reality. I didn’t enjoy going for a walk. I wasn’t good enough at the gym- at least for my standards. All I ever saw was how bad I was and how much smarter, better and more successful everyone else was.
And so I went down another step on this distractive path. I have been diagnosed with depression many years back. But I was told that I do have them due to the chemical imbalance of my brain due to the eating disorder. So when my eating habits got worse, naturally my mood suffered even more!
I was driven by GUILT. The voice in my head telling me: You are not good enough! You are worthless!
No I am not crazy! I think we all have “voices” in our head! The good one, the one that keeps us from working out, the one that (for normal people) just wants to give in to eat another piece of chocolate….. By all means I am no doctor, but I am convinced that some people just struggle with these voices more than others! They just scream louder, without a break, 24/7 and sometimes you just give in and believe what they tell you!
The last several years I was a victim of these self-destructing thoughts. I lived in the world of “What if”. Which can be such a positive thing: It allows you to see yourself in the future as a successful and happy person and therefore push you to do everything in your ability to achieve it: visualizing it! A lot of celebrities and rich people swear on it! I am sure you have heard about it.
BUT there is a difference of visualizing it: AND TAKING ACTION!
OR SIMPLY HOPING FOR IT!!!
Without hope I would not be here anymore. Hope was the only thing that kept me alive for many years! Hope of improvement! The hope that one day I will feel better! Hope that one day I will accept my body. Hope that one day things change.
But I stayed in this mindset of: One day…….
Hitting rock bottom many times in my life, sadly never did wake me up, but the last time…..was different. I could clearly see and experience HOW quick life can be over: And it doesn’t fit in you made up plan in your head at all.
We all live as we have years before we die- and yes we have all heard that saying before. But I gave it deeper thought. Even we KNOW we may not have a long life to live, I am still guilty of “planning” that way and thinking that way. But isn’t it remarkable that we all think we have a long life, in good health, enough money to “then” enjoy life, do the things we like and smile, but in reality
The average life expectancy (at birth 2017), based on Wikipedia statistics is 71.5 years!
BUT OVER 95% of the world’s population has health problems and over a third of them has at least 5!!
Let it sink in!
So even if we are fortunate enough to grow old. Just based on statistic who knows you will be healthy?
But yet, and get this: based on statistics (cnbc) there are roughly 45 Million millionaires in 2017.
photography by Eyeofxtine.com
What I am saying is, we live in our own little world. Creating our own little lies.
Which is……EMPOWERING: Because YOU YOURSELF, have the power to change that. Change our mindset. And that’s all that takes to create a new life.
The life may not change but if you take the same life and life it differently- your whole life changes!….And I am prove of it!
Nowadays I get up early in the morning, before my alarm clock! I write, I read, I plan, I meditate!
I get up FOR LIFE.! To see the sunset, to spread love, to share a smile when I do my groceries. To say hello to a stranger, to try tinder (heck why not 😉
Is it all wonderful and sunshine and easy? The simply answer is NO, but by no expecting that it is: That’s’ ok too! It’s life and I am LIVING it and not just existing (or partly existing) anymore!.
Today I encourage you to get up and LIVE. If you suffer, get up and DO something to get help. If there is nothing you can do, share a smile! Share your positive energy!
And let you of guilt, anxiety, pressure, …let go! Breath
Say YES to LIFE!!