Why I decide to stay positive…!Blog
My life hasn't been easy the last 28 years
Sometimes when I talk about it, it sounds like a good novel to me! A story that includes it all: drama, action, lost, determination etc. and many people I shared a tiny part of my life with, always encourage me to write a book. And I will, definitely!…eventually! Until now I just had the feeling I couldn’t, because by keeping the eating disorder a “secret (even though a lot of people knew about it- without knowing about it) I thought I would need to lie about such a huge part of my life…and I was just not ready to open up about it then! But living with a secret for so long I feel relieved to finally open up about it. And I truly hope I can help others struggling with the same to get better, face the facts or at least do not feel so alone! And therefore I decided to share even more about the story that has the title of my life!
I am convinced that each and every one of us has a “story” and one of the things I truly enjoy in my job is hearing stories from other people.
A few year back something happened to me. Until then I believe to think that we can control (until to a certain extend) what happens to us. But I quickly found out that we can not. Things happen! If we want or not! (even tough I believe in law of attraction, imagination etc)
When I came to the USA, to NYC to be exact in 2010 I had a goal. I knew I wanted to do it “right”. I had a student visa and I wanted to figure out how to get a work permit! I spoke to many lawyers on the phone asking for advice but what they told me was 1) a counselling meeting costs 500$ or 2) It will be impossible to get a visa on my own and I should marry someone (hey you are young and beautiful- it was suggested by male and female alike)
But this was never an option for me. I had no partner at the time to seriously consider it and I didn’t want to depend on someone I don’t even know. And on top of it, I am not gonna lie, I did not have the money!
A lawyer was then suggested to me: He would retire soon and often helps dancers with their green card, since he loves dance. Being desperate for a solution and believing what people said- and being a good soul from Austria -I went to his office after hours to see if he could help me. He lured me in and then immediately abused his power to rape me. I made it very clear beforehand that I would not have any money to pay, and that I was not gonna pay or give “anything else” back! Everything happened so fast. I could never understand girls who didn’t do anything, didn’t scream, run what so ever. But I was completely surprised by it and yet I felt so guilty….I felt so naive to believe that someone would actually want to help me. I will never forget the first sentence he said afterwards: Don’t go to the police, because who do you think they will believe more: a lost little student or the number one lawyer in NYC!
And I believed it. I believed him. I was so shocked, and felt completely dead during the happening. SO I said to myself: I am not going to be a victim! I do not let one stupid person ruin my dream of being a dancer and successful in NYC. So I told myself: If you don’t talk about it- it has never happened!
It (kind of) worked at the beginning. I closed myself from all human contacts, fled after a ballet class back home, never dated or went out with anyone. And so “it never happened”
But it creeped up on me, I got angry at myself by not “doing anything against it”. I also thought if I would tell my family they would just be worried about me but couldn’t change what already happened. So for 2 more years I didn’t tell anyone. Until I met my then boyfriend. He was great at first and knew what I needed. I finally needed someone to trust, helping go through all the huge challenges I faced in NYC on a daily basis and he was here for me! So I trusted him. Things went well at the beginning….but fast forward: Still not haven learned to love and value myself I let him manipulate and abuse me mentally: He openly had other women next to me while forbidding me to see anyone (male or female, or friends)because I thought I would not be worth it to be loved just for me! He controlled my life to a tee, let me pay for his bills (as good as I could) controlling my emotions and feelings. And because I was so desperate for love that I allowed it.
I again would never have thought “I would be one of them”, but I just couldn’t leave him. I tried it many times after he hit me physically but he always came back regretting what he did….and I got used to the physical pain, excusing it with ballet, dancing on the floor etc. And my family was thousands of miles away. And I was not allowed to have friends either way!
I tried to leave him many times, and I just finally did when I once again tried to leave him, when he grabbed me, raped me and told me he would kill me if I wouldn’t sleep with him. I let it happen, felt dead inside again and was scared he would actually do it- and kill me. After that event I have never heard from him again!
I was a rack, I was scared every time I saw a person looking similar than he does, or the lawyer did. Note one of them was white and one of them was black, so nearly every person in NYC scared me…..and I had to leave….Kind of on a short notice I moved to Las Vegas. Again I didn’t want to give up my goal, but I just couldn’t do it in the city I once loved so deeply! (and do love again now- since I am aware that this could have happened anywhere and I don’t allow anyone to steal my love for a great city like NYC)
Las Vegas helped me in a sense: Warm weather, far away from the past and I had time to think, heal? and open up about it. It was during all that time that my eating disorder got much worse again! It was the only thing I could control! (So I thought back then) and by going back to “being a child” I tried to protect myself from events like that!
But again: I made it! I am not a victim anymore. I opened up about it, accepted it and most and foremost I FORGAVE MYSELF
Modeling helped me a lot during those times. Why? Yes I pose nude in front of others lenses but It gave me the feeling I can control the situation. A photographer luckily never overstepped the privacy and all my shoots were professional, meaning I was nude at times but safe! Photographers accepted my limits. And slowly but surely it gave me hope again, to eventually- – one day – trust people again.
I have to admit I since then have never had a date, a relationship or much of anything else but I found myself again.
And I realized: I am alive, I have no disease, I was not brutally disfigured and sadly many girls and boys have to go through something similar. And then I made the decision to be positive and happy again, and leave me severe depression aside (please be advised that I know depression is not a choice and many who suffer have physical and mental depression. SO I am not saying just snap yourself out of it) but I think in my case my depression where mainly caused by my eating disorder and by the 2 rapes!
And by being positive and happy I started to enjoy life again. Be thankful for the little things, I always focused on my career and trying to build one. Letting all my emotions out via my art, my escape: the dance!!
Dance helped me through life countless times. Through hard times in hospital as a younger person (due to the eating disorder) later to forget for a second what has happened and to have a purpose in life and to share feelings and compassion and connect with other!
I am committed now! To live an authentic life and live true to myself! To finally love myself! Gratefulness is a powerful value to add to my life as well. And I mean not being thankful for something. I mean being truly grateful for what your life IS – even tough it is so far from perfect!!!
My mother gifted me a very special ring the other day. I have no rings, I wear no rings. ..until now! And I am so incredibly grateful for it! And I am dedicated to my new life! Cheers to me! Let’s raise the glass together (filled with tea to ease me stomach ache 🙂 and let’s celebrate one week of my new life together today!
Thank you to all of you who care, are kind and support!!!