Jul 30, 2017, VikTory

Why is it so hard to love myself (A SECOND CHANCE IN LIFE)

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Why is it so incredibly hard to love oneself?

by sheila roldan
model/dancer VikTory

I practice optimism and decide to focus on the positive. Letting go the old, the past, thing that have happened and I can not change ( In case you have’t read it: click here
All in all it works really well. Without going in too many details I can tell you that after so many years with an ED (=eating disorder) my body lost a lot of “normal function” like keeping itself warm, digesting food, heaving a healthy feeling of hunger or fullness, having a female cyrcle….just to name a few. It became normal to not being able to sit in a subway cart due to the pain bone on hart chairs create, to not being able to sleep at night because you hipbones hurt.Experience pain when doing sit ups because by rolling down you feel just hipbones, your pelvis bone and your spine…
After working on eating small portions on a regular basic, counting calories to make sure I do not eat too little, my body started to learn to digest food again after 3 days. I still have a lot of stomach ache daily but I feel like it is starting to improve daily: bit by bit!
But today was a hard day, after improving little by little starting from a very low point, I had a mental set back. Due to severe bloating I felt fat and ugly and like facing a situation I simply can not handle day in day out for the rest of my life!
Having a lot of air in my belly it causes me to feel so incredibly uncomfortable, making it hard to trust my body and convincing myself: Everything will be fine if I give it some time!
I start thinking too much! I know I can not be back. Frankly the hospital made it clear that I was incredibly lucky and by “going back” they can’t guarantee that my body will be capable of fighting back again. And I do not want to go back, but when someone is uncomfortable I feel like it is “normal” to wanna “run away and escape” the situation.
By “thinking too much” I mean: What if it will always be like this until the end of my life, what if I end up fat and ugly, not loved, depressed and a loser what if….. and my mind takes over…..
Today I found out that the only way I can detach myself from the situation, coming back “to myself” the real present, is through creativity: I started painting again. Just coloring mandalas and listening to classical music- But it helped. I think because it activates my other half of the brain and therfore creates a balance between the two halfs” the logical one and the creative one( that’s just my theory 🙂
It didn’t stop my stomach pain but it put me back into a positive mindset. I reminded myself that just 1 week ago I was still at the hospital fighting for my life.

selflove

Now, for over a week, I eat healthy food on a regular basis, daily – keeping all in, improving digestion, not giving in to the urge of weighing myself every time I see a scale, working out again in a healthy way- not 8 hrs plus a day, laughing again from the bottom of my heart, dancing again, eating meals WITH my family (which I haven’t done for ages because I simply didn’t eat and if I did, I could’t make myself eat in front of anyone, thinking someone (when it was actually just myself) judging me – that I would eat too much, too little, the wrong things….everything I did related to food made me insecure, overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Due to the fact that all these thoughts are so stressful and energy consuming, not eating or going after (very bad) rituals just felt so much easier in the past and especially save!
There is no going back, but I want to improve myself also mentally, stop hating myself and loving myself as so many other expressed they do. When I get so much positive feedback I am honestly mind blown, because I simply can not understand WHY?
While I am truly grateful for the actually fast improvements and I am proud that I keep going no matter what, it is incredibly hard (nobody said it would be easy) but what makes it so hard for me:
I do actually have a normal body image. I do not see my body distorted….the big problem is that I like it. I like thinness. It gives me the feeling of control, perfection, “doing things right”
I know it makes no sense, but in my head it does! But I also know that it’s not a healthy look making it unable to live a long happy life. But how can I change what I simply find more attractive? I have to put the goal of a happy life over “being beautiful or perfect” and I simply need to trust my body fully. That it will regain the ability to digest fully and normal, that it will learn to feel hunger again and to feel full. I want to learn again to eat and eat because I know I need the energy and not because I have to fill my daily minimum calorie intake. It’s gonna be a step- by- step operation and still have a lot to learn, but I am also proud of what I have already archived so far. I also believe that we are on this Earth to learn, to improve, to become the best version of ourselves and help and improve each other’s life as well as ours!
My biggest troubles are trusting my body and loving myself unconditionally! I also do not understand why I am so understanding and compassionate with others but when it comes to me, I am simply not.
for example: If others (and by “others” I mean family, friends, working buddies,…people I actually know to some extend) tell me they have worked all they, I advice them to take it slow in the evening, get some rest. If others say they are hungry because last time they ate was breakfast and it is lunch time- I understand. If someone would have asked me when did you last eat I had to think about it, not remembering when it actually was or trying to talk myself out of it….Frankly I am not sure why I am so hard on myself. My family was always loving and never forcing anything on me or demanding perfectionism! I think it is a character flow I have, it’s just who I am. I was always strong minded, which can be a good thing, but if used wrongly , well you can use it against you too. As with so many things in life it’s the balance between the two, finding a healthy middle! It doesn’t mean I can’t improve but it’s so hard to wrap my head around, because thinking about it logically I understand how stupid it sounds and how little sense it makes, but then the emotions take over – I am just human as well 🙂
I often get asked: are you afraid of anything? And I truly am not- at least not the things “normal” people are fearful of:(what is normal these days anyway). But what I mean is I am NOT afraid of: heights, needles, animals- be it snakes, big animals, ants, spiders, bets, mice….some of them I don’t like but I don’t care if they are here. I also have no fear of flying or anything like that. The only things that make me so incredibly uncomfortable is food related topics when I actually have to eat and the fear of failure and not fitting in(the last one improved already- I heard my whole life you are crazy, different and weird but I am actually ok with it now!)
So please don’t tell a thin person to “eat a burger” I find this so offensive? if it would be just that……

Often it’s been said that fear comes from a lack of knowledge. Believe me, I have a degree in nutrition and I studied every book and website about food related topics. So that’s definitely not the issue. But maybe it’s again too much information: Because in my opinion there is not “One way fits all”. after all we are human beings and no machines, the food changed over the years as well, and everyone has a completely different lifestyle and status causing everyone to need a different diet and lifestyle!

The goal is to utilize my talent and potential to the fullest, not locking myself in by fear or just because things didn’t work out immediately, giving myself time, trusting in me, living an authentic life and being ok with not being “perfect”- because there is not such thing!
Therefore: Let’s work together on being a better person than we were yesterday. Let’s push our comfort circle a bit apart, explore life and most of all GIVE IT TIME AND COMPASSION!!!

explore your full potential
by Michael Coakes
model/dancer/style VikTory

See after writing and sharing, I found myself again! I feel the joy and the excitement for the future again. So thank you for listening and reading! Cheers to all of you and let’s make this world a little bit more peaceful, bit- by bit, starting with ourselves.

And if you question yourself: How should I chance the world by “just” improving myself: If you ever slept in a room with a mosquito you know how much one little creation can impact your whole life or at least night 🙂
Xoxo Vik and to a happy new week!

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